Trump Wusses Out in Mexico and You Have No God

Let us say, and why not, that you are what we might consider an average Trump voter. You leapt onto the Trump train because of his stances on Muslims coming into the United States and his promise to deport all the undocumented people living here, especially those filthy Mexicans and other south-of-the-border types who make you uncomfortable when you go to the Home Depot on Saturday mornings to buy shit for a backyard project you'll never finish. Also, you like Trump because fuck that Hillary Clinton bitch.

Now let us say, and, indeed, why not, assuming you're not Ann Coulter (and, if you are, let me take a moment to ask: "How are you still alive? Virgin boy blood?"), that you've been watching Trump the last week or so, as he has teetered right on the line of a complete reversal on one of the very foundations of his presidential ambitions. But you've stuck by him. You know that when he's elected, he's gonna stick it to some spics and nothing could make you happier since they are taking your jobs. Well, not your job, technically, but surely someone's. And then you hear Trump is going to Mexico to meet with the president of the country, Enrique Pena Nieto.

Okay, okay, you think. This is awesome. Your hero, the shiny orange knight, is gonna stick it to that Mexican motherfucker and tell him what's what and what's gonna be and, yeah, fuck yeah, you're gonna build that fuckin' wall and you're gonna thank us when you do it or we're gonna take an economic shit all over your stinking country. You ignore the fact that Pena Nieto is pretty much despised by his own citizens, who think he's a corrupt dickhead. You ignore the fact that Pena Nieto's accused of giving financial favors to friends, pretty much the same thing that Trump is accusing Clinton of doing, except way more blatant.

And then you take a break at your job to watch the press conference after Pena Nieto and Trump have met. You think, Goddamn, this is gonna be good. Except...well, shit. They sound like a couple of regular goddamned politicians. They talk like nothing bad happened. They say they have much in common. Trump talks endlessly about how much he just fuckin' loves Mexicans, how "tremendous" they are, how hard-working. You feel a little dizzy. What they fuck have you believed all these months? Who the fuck is this guy?

Even worse, when Trump is asked if he brought up the border wall, he says, "We didn’t discuss who will pay for the wall." You feel a little sick to your stomach and you get a cramping and an urgency in your bowels. Trump called the Mexican president his "friend." Oh, sweet Jesus, what is going on?

You rush to the bathroom and you just start shitting in great waves of burning, watery shit. Because now you know. You've been played. You're the sucker. It'd be like dying and waking up in Muslim Hell. Everything you've believed, everything you've argued for, it's all just a big fuckin' lie. Tough guy Donald Trump walked right up to the president of the country that sends us rapists and drug dealers and planted his tawny lips on the guy's ass. What a fucking wuss.

This is what an existential crisis is like, dear Trump supporters. Wallow in it, fuckers.

But I'm probably giving you far more credit than you deserve. More likely, you're already justifying this and making it fit the Jenga game of bullshit you've constructed.


In Brief: Rush Limbaugh Says Donald Trump Is a Liar and We Need to Vote for Him

Corpulent, multi-divorced sea cucumber Rush Limbaugh apparently still has a radio program. Limbaugh, like Ann Coulter, is desperately clawing at the ledge of relevance, trying to prevent his final fall off the cliff and into the Pat Buchanan Valley of the Lost, and he thinks that the number one priority in Uhmerka is to stop Hillary Clinton from becoming president. He is so committed to this and to electing corpulent, multi-divorced cartoon Donald Trump that, today, on his show, Oxy the Walrus's Spunkorama of Incoherent Rage, he told his listeners, in so many words, "Don't be fucking dumb twats. Of course Donald Trump was a fuckin' liar who never meant that he'd deport all the stinky illegals. Vote for him for Uhmerka."

The actual quote ain't that far off: "I never took him seriously on this," and, as far as Trump's idiot hordes of voters who did believe him, "They still don't care! My point is they still don't care! They're gonna stick with him no matter what." And why is that? Because the evil whore of Babylon, Hillary Clinton, will get her whore germs all over this beautiful country just like Nigger Obama got his nigger germs everywhere and the country will be flushed down the toilet like one of those icky tampon things that women have to put up their hoo-has or something.

Again, the actual quote ain't that far off from the hyperbole there: " I don't care what the options are. Anybody but Hillary Clinton. Anybody but more of what we have had the last eight years...We're losing our country. Our country's being torn apart. Our country's being disassembled right before our very eyes by people who have that as their objective. And it's working on people like Colin Kaepernick, by the way. It's working on a whole lot of otherwise innocent people who are being radicalized each and every day by hatred for this country, which is absurd." Do the whore and the nigger have no shame? They are making innocent footballers become politically aware, and if the footballers become woke, then rape-by-Hottentot can't be that far behind. Why won't Obama stop jizzing in the face of Lady Liberty? Why won't Hillary stop twerking on Uncle Sam?

But, no, really, it's so much wiser to vote for the person that you just fucking admitted has been lying to the faces of millions of people. It's so much better to trust someone you are saying is a shameless fraud. That is surely the better path for Uhmerka.

Rush Limbaugh has been fucking the corpse of the dead past for decades now. It's time to stomp his sausage fingers and make him plunge away.


NFL Anthem-Sitter Colin Kaepernick Is More Patriotic Than His Critics

Can we all agree that "The Star Spangled Banner" is kind of a shitty song? It's about violence and shit blowing up and gleefully murdering escaped slaves and flag fetishism. The lyrics were written by a slave owner who sought to silence abolitionists, and the melody is taken from a song by a British dude writing about a Greek poet who celebrated drinking and fucking. And, yeah, it's hard to sing.

That said, it shouldn't be an act of bravery that San Francisco 49er quarterback Colin Kaepernick stayed seated during the National Anthem at the team's Saturday preseason game. Kaepernick used the moment to protest against police brutality, among other issues. Kaepernick explained, "People are dying in vain because this country isn’t holding their end of the bargain up, as far as giving freedom and justice, liberty to everybody." If anything, protesting in order to make this a better country is about as patriotic an act as one can do. The entire fuckin' country exists because of protests that became an insurrection. And many of the people who started them were wealthy, like Kaepernick, and had a whole lot to lose if they failed.

Of course, we got the Neanderthal rage reaction of people burning their Kaepernick jerseys in opposition. We got other current and former NFL players saying shit like, "You should have some fucking respect for people who served[in the military], especially people that lost their life to protect our freedom," as ex-49er, now Minnesota Viking Alex Boone put it.

That point, that Kaepernick not rising for the anthem is an insult to the troops, is usually followed by an explanation that the troops fight for the freedoms Kaepernick enjoys. As some spoogerag right-wing columnist scribbled, "Those paid handsomely by ticket-buying spectators need to holster their peevish political urges for the sixty seconds of expected respect for the nation that affords them that freedom." That's kind of an odd perspective since you can say, "Well, thanks. Now I'm gonna use that freedom. Oh, and, by the way, they're also fighting for the freedom for you to tell me to fuck off. See how that works?"

Yes, yes, what about the troops, most of whom probably couldn't give two dry fucks about Kaepernick? Some fucknut at the Daily Caller (motto: "Yes, we do have lots of links to tits. Tucker Carlson likes tits") said, "Kaepernick should be a little more thankful for the men and women in uniform defending and protecting his life." And a Gold Star mother was livid at Kaepernick, saying that her son "died protecting the ideals of the flag you refuse to respect. He died so that ungrateful, privileged, arrogant men like you can be just that - ungrateful, privileged, and arrogant." To that you can say only that Americans dying in Afghanistan and Iraq have lost their lives because of the privilege and arrogance of those who started stupid, useless wars and perhaps she should be angrier at them than when a guy who throws a ball calls "Bullshit" on racism in the United States.

Other responses go even crazier, like "Colin Kaepernick has chosen to engage in an act of hate against the America of 2016," as columnist Mark Davis puts it (he is the aforementioned spoogerag). Davis, like some of the other Kaepernick haters, is all in this election season for Donald Trump, a man who regularly talks about how terrible the nation is, how the president is something akin to a traitor, and how he is the only savior. Sure, it sounds scary and fascistic and un-American to the extreme, but, hey, at least he stands during the National Anthem, right?

Kaepernick's seated ass is more patriotic than his critics' entire bodies.


Hillary Clinton Praises Republicans for Hiding Their Racism Better Than Trump

Obviously, Republican presidential candidate and man most likely to be face-fucked by a confused badger Donald Trump is a craven racist, like every craven racist before him. It's so easy to be racist that it's a wonder that more people aren't. Annoyed by someone whose skin is a little off-pigment from yours? It must be because of that. See? No thinking required. Let your prejudices run wild and free and declare that it's "political correctness" gone amok that won't allow you to yell, "Nigger" in a crowded political rally.

In her speech yesterday in Reno, Nevada, Hillary Clinton, the Democratic candidate and your rich great aunt, pretty much gave a Huffington Post-level rundown of everything that Trump has done to coddle white supremacists, demonize nonwhites and non-Judeo-Christians, promote nationalism, canoodle with psychopaths, and more. She tied Trump to the alt-right movement, the name of which is lipstick on a pig called "racism." Seriously, "alt-right"? More like "control-right," huh? Can I get a high-five?

Towards the end of the speech, Clinton veered into an appeal to Republicans to want candidates more like their previous nominees: "Twenty years ago when Bob Dole accepted the Republican nomination he pointed to the exits in the convention hall and told any racists in the party to get out. The week after 9/11, George W. Bush went to a mosque and declared for everyone to hear that 'Muslims love America just as much as I do.' In 2008, John McCain told his own supporters that they were wrong about the man he was trying to defeat. Senator McCain made sure they knew Barack Obama, he said, is 'an American citizen and a decent person.'"

Now, I'm not sure what Republican Party that Clinton is referring to. Would it be the party of Reagan, who lied about "welfare queens"? Would it be the party that used the Willie Horton ad with its scary black criminal on it to make voters run from Michael Dukakis? Would it be the party of Dole, who, like Clinton, talked about "superpredators" and was a big supporter of mass incarceration and welfare "reform"? Would it be the party of George W. Bush who, despite lip service on Muslim Americans, had Muslims tortured at Gitmo and elsewhere and started a war that ended up pitting Muslims against each other? Would it be the Republicans candidates who worked with campaign officials like Lee Atwater and Karl Rove, who would put out vicious, racist rumors, like saying in South Carolina that John McCain had an illegitimate black child? Would it be the party that nominated McCain, who made Sarah Palin his running mate, who heated up the whole "Obama is palling around with terrorists" rhetoric which McCain seemed to deplore, but it didn't stop him from telling supporters, "There are essential things we don't know about Sen. Obama," an obvious racist dog whistle for the growing, openly racist crowd in the GOP? Would it be the party of Mitt Romney, who had his own ludicrous plan for enforcing security on the Mexican border? Which group of motherfuckers and father-fellaters in the Republican Party are honorable?

Dole and McCain have said they support Trump. Clinton could have easily tied a concrete block of racism to the Republicans and shoved them into the river of history. Instead, she gave them a pass when the vast majority of the Republican agenda has been, for decades, as racist as just about anything the Trump has proposed. Trump is just not speaking in code. He's not asking for laws that appear like they aren't racist but, really, and, c'mon, are. He's just saying racist shit and loving that his crowds go along with however fucked-up it is.

Just like "alt-right" is a polite term for "fucking bigot," Clinton missed the opportunity to say that "Republican" is just another word for "racist" and that Trump is merely a more honest version of the awful white people the GOP has offered the country.

But, hey, on the plus side, it's better to drag these movements into the light of day, where we can see them for what they are.


Very Quickie: Your Life Is a Game Show to Donald Trump

I'm seeing Springsteen tonight, so I kinda don't give a fuck about Trump right now.

But let's pause to consider how appalling it was that Donald Trump asked a mostly white audience if they thought it was cool to let undocumented immigrants who haven't committed crimes and been in the country for a long time stay. Not as citizens, mind you, but as something like, say, blacks living in apartheid South Africa.

Of course, the white people applauded wildly. Of course, walking scrotum Sean Hannity let Trump get away with it. Of course, instead of talking about how fucking nauseating it was to turn the lives of millions of people into a motherfucking game show, or that a decadent emperor asked the gathered hordes if he should kill the slaves, the media is wondering if this indicates Trump is  "softening" on immigration. 

Sure. He went from a spree killer to a simple murderer. He's a goddamn hero. 

Going to a show. Fuck him in every way.

(This was edited to change a couple of metaphors that were awkward as hell. I was really high and hastily typing on my phone before the concert. I regret the poor choice, but I'm sure as shit not apologizing.)


Donald Trump and Hip-Hop: A Deranged Historical Moment from 1999

It's truly a fascinating article by Nancy Jo Sales from Vibe magazine back in May 1999. This was just before Donald Trump started his flirtation with running for president, which moved on to harassment of it during his birther phase before his full on sexual assault of the American political system now. "Money Boss Player" is about Trump as the white mogul who is beloved by and himself loves rap royalty like the once and future Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs and Russell Simmons.

Wu-Tang Clan member Method Man lays out why Trump was so readily accepted by people who often struggled from poverty and violence to get some measure of success: "I like Trump's style. It's like 'I'm rich, fuck y'all. I build my buildings and put my name on them. Fuck y'all.'"

Sales describes Trump as "hip-hop before he himself knew." And, as Nelson George, author of Hip Hop America and now producer of Netflix's The Get Down, says, Trump was accepted by rappers for the very same reasons that he is celebrated by the disaffected racists in the Republican Party: his outsider status. George explains, "Trump is respected by people in hip-hop because he's not a corporate guy. He's a self-made entrepreneur, and that's key to the hip-hop mentality. They respect him for being a 'fuck you' hero.'"

It's amazing how long Trump has worked various cons. The "self-made" man would have gotten nowhere without his father's money and connections. The outsider worked the corporate world through investments and gaming bankruptcy laws, and now, as a politician, the longtime political donor pretends to be a naif-gladiator in the arena against the corrupt lions.

"What could be more hip-hop than self-promotion?" Sales asks before comparing Trump bragging about his wealth to LL Cool J and Jay-Z doing something similar. One white hip-hop promoter says of Trump, "He's shunned socially by old money...But now hip-hop is saying, 'Hey, you're our kind' and he's saying, 'Hey, cool.'" She adds, absurdly, "Trump has a ghetto pass." It never occurs to Sales or anyone that Trump is using rap for street cred and rappers are using Trump because they think he'll give them access to an elite world.

But, surely, you're thinking, Trump must say something that proves this is all just an act, another bit of the big grift, a quote that demonstrates that his latent racism is present. Well, you have to wait until the end, when Trump says, "I think hip-hop has done more for race relations, and more for respect among everyone, than anything. Because these guys really are respected. I can tell you - hey, the most important white people have total respect for these guys."

And there you go. The fuckery we've come to expect. It's not that the black artists and business people are worthy of respect. It's that white people respect them that makes them worth respecting.

But, no, go on, please, about his "appeal" to black Americans and what he believes are their shitty, unfulfilled lives.

(Click here, for the 2016 rap song, "Fuck Donald Trump." Times do change.)

Late Post Today

Caught in a paradox: Hillary Clinton is running for president, but no one is talking about any of her ideas should she be, you know, president. But Donald Trump farts out something about immigration and it's all we hear about. Sick of the whole goddamn thing, but will soldier on with non-pivoting rudeness later.


Clinton Foundation "Revelations": How Is It Different From Anything Else in Our Broken Political System?

We're really all gonna fucking pretend that something shocking happened because donors to the Clinton Foundation were able to get "access" to Hillary Clinton when she was Secretary of State? 'Cause, you know, right now, not only will Donald Trump not release his tax returns so we can see just how much he's the butt boy of Russian oligarchs, but he is quite obviously using his campaign to enrich the companies owned by or associated with Donald Trump.

But, no, really, go on, please about how Bono wanted to talk to Clinton about forcing astronauts on the space station to watch a U2 concert, something that quite reasonably didn't happen.

I have heard from probably a couple hundred people who insist that the Clinton Foundation "scandal" is going to blow up. How the fuck is that going to work? Are we gonna ACORN the organization that is doing the fucking hard work of going into nations in Africa and getting HIV/AIDS drugs to people there? Are we gonna tar and feather the group that got prices slashed for malaria tests and drugs, leading to hundreds of thousands of children staying malaria free? For fuck's sake, are we gonna just say, "Fuck it" to all the health and economic initiatives because the crown prince of Bahrain gave a bunch of money to the foundation and later asked to meet with the Secretary of State? As if that is some kind of evil in action? As if that isn't actually a perfectly reasonable thing for a head of state to want to do? Yeah, evil nations and people donated money to the Foundation. Shit, it might have even dangled access as an implied prize. But where's the quid pro quo, huh? What radically changed because of it? Not a goddamn thing other than "access."

Motherfuckers, you want evil in action? Members of Congress are under constant threat from the National Rifle Association. The NRA shovels shit tons of money into the campaigns of primarily Republicans, and you can fucking well bet that when Wayne LaPierre wants one of them on the phone, they will stop everything they're doing - filibustering a bill to help poor people, getting blown by a page, shooting up heroin into their thighs - to take the call. That's called access and its only purpose is to enrich the gun corporations with the blood of Americans. That shit's evil.

Money gets you access. It's that fucking simple. When George W. Bush was running for president and then for reelection, he promised people who donated $100,000 to his campaign or more access. This wasn't a secret. And, even though it should have been, it wasn't a scandal. Here's the Washington Post on what these donors, called "Pioneers," wanted: "More than half the Pioneers are heads of companies -- chief executive officers, company founders or managing partners -- whose bottom lines are directly affected by a variety of government regulatory and tax decisions." You think they donated because they just loved W? They knew what they were paying for. Shit, 40% of the Pioneers ended up with appointments in the Bush administration.

And, yeah, it fucking sucks all around. It sucked with Bush. It sucked with the Lincoln Bedroom kerfuffle during Bill Clinton's term. It's a stupid fucking way to run a political system.

But it's the one we have. So, frankly, unless you got something like an outright bribe, like Hillary Clinton was promised piles of gold and more dick than she could ever want to make some kind of deal for Saudi Arabia or Monsanto that she wouldn't have made otherwise, who the fuck cares? Oh, shit, you mean that repressive nations and polluting corporations get shit done for them by our government? Where is the fainting couch? It ain't right, but making Clinton into the target when it's a systemic failure is just weak.

There's a fucking serial killer running on the Republican side. And some of you on the left and even more of  you on the right want us to get angry that the Democrats have a jaywalker? Fuck you, you children. Grow the fuck up and elect people to change our campaign finance laws.

(And, yeah, yeah, the Clinton Foundation donations weren't to a political campaign, but, really, weren't they? Besides, unless you want to make the rest of the system pure, your focus on this "corruption" is tainted.)


Quickie: Hillary Clinton's 1992 "Seizure" That Wasn't a Seizure at All

Seriously, what motherfucker came up with the idea that, because Hillary Clinton jokingly jostled like a silent comedian to look shocked at reporters peppering her with questions, she was having seizures associated with a concussion she had a few years ago? How fucking dumb do you have to be to believe that, Sean Hannity, you vile sucker of Trump's limp, tiny cock?

Let's go back, shall we, to 1992, when her husband, Bill Clinton, accepted the nomination for president at the Democratic National Convention. Watch her with Tipper Gore, the wife of then-future vice president.

She was smiling, bopping back and forth, doing essentially the same kind of sudden, happy motions that a demonstrative person might do. But, today, some dickhole with a Twitter egg would have declared that Saint Vitus Dance and demanded that she be burned at the stake.

So, like, I know Donald Trump will fucking do anything but talk about any policies in any detail. But enough of this bullshit. Don't even entertain Trump's accusations about Clinton's health. Not when that lying son of a bitch and bastard hasn't told us shit about his physical or financial health.

Takin' the Day Off, Boss

Need a personal day.

Back tomorrow with more seizure-filled rudeness.


Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Shoot Up Speedballs

That right there is a group of Maspeth, Queens, New York City, New York residents protesting the proposal by the city to convert a Holiday Inn Express in the neighborhood into a shelter for homeless adults with families who are from the Maspeth community. The protest took place at a school gym in Maspeth, where, to put it politely, people lost their fucking shit.

"[B]uild a fucking homeless shelter next to de Blasio's house," said one man, yelling at Human Resources Administration Commissioner Steve Banks. Chants of "No homeless shelter" were chanted by chanters wearing things like a "Mayor de Blasio, go fuck yourself!" t-shirt. In fact, the protesters have been marching in front of the Holiday Inn Express on a daily basis.

You must be thinking right now, "Dear God, this motel has to be in the middle of an urban paradise, surrounded by homes and lawns and schools and children riding their bikes and playing Kick the Can. Yes, we must keep the area pure and sanctified."

Except, you know, it's actually in an industrial area, surrounded by a gas station, the interstate, and a Coca-Cola distributing center. Here's a Google Street View right in front of the motel:

There's a nice looking McDonald's on the other side. Maybe they're worried about crime increasing when they're getting McPoison.

In other words, a bunch of white people don't want the city to do anything to offend their prejudices. Assholes are gonna asshole. Wonder how many of those Maspeth residents with the signs go to their local church every Sunday and pray for the homeless and the poor? Apparently, that shit doesn't stick once you leave the pews.

Oh, and, in case it comes up, I have a homeless shelter and a halfway house in my neighborhood. You know how much crime is caused by that? None, as far as I know.


Make Republicans Fucking Choke on Donald Trump

Fuck acting like it's some kind of amazing act of bravery when Republicans say they are not going to vote for their nominee, Donald Trump. You know what? That's the fucking least you can do. In fact, fuck praising some of them for saying they'll vote for Hillary Clinton, as if somehow they had a magical conversion, like they were getting fucked by their boy-toys and, right at orgasm, thought, "Huh. Maybe I should move away from the party that says this is wrong" and used Trump as an excuse to stand tall when every other time they crawled like worms, happily ingesting all the dirt they could shove into their holes.

No, fuck that. You motherfuckers created Donald Trump. You in the GOP made it possible for him to capture the imaginations of the idiot hordes who became idiot hordes because of the steady diet of shit you've fed them for decades. Trump is here because of you, and he needs to be shoved down your throats until you choke, no matter how much you protest against him.

Did you read the actual letter from Republican national security officials? The one where 50 of the most hawkish, hateful cocks ever to give the nation their disease said that they would not vote for Trump? Yeah, read that thing. You'll see lots of lines about Trump's temperament and intelligence, like "Mr. Trump lacks the character, values, and experience to be President. He weakens U.S. moral authority as the leader of the free world. He appears to lack basic knowledge about and belief in the U.S. Constitution, U.S. laws, and U.S. institutions, including religious tolerance, freedom of the press, and an independent judiciary." This is not to mention that "A President must be disciplined, control emotions, and act only after reflection and careful deliberation. A President must maintain cordial relationships with leaders of countries of different backgrounds and must have their respect and trust" and Trump sure as shit ain't any of that. Most of the letter is that kind of "No shit, Sherlock" stuff.

You know what that letter lacks? A single goddamn sentence condemning Trump's promises and policies. They don't condemn him for his language on Muslims and immigrants, they don't say shit about his wall or his ban on people from whatever country hasn't powdered his balls lately. They don't spend any time talking about Trump's approach to ISIS or his promise to bring back torture (something that sadist John Negroponte must love). So what we can conclude is that if a candidate who wasn't dumber than a bucket of hair and who could shut the fuck up sometimes was running on the same foreign policy platform, these shitheels and fucknuts wouldn't have a problem with him. In other words, Trump's just a crappy messenger; the message is fine.

And that's generally the pattern. It's not what Trump's running on that scares off Republicans. It's that he's a prick. And while, sure, it's great that they're not voting for him and some are actually voting for Clinton, the reason is more that they want the rational hawk and not the mongoose-on-meth who might get us all nuked. There are exceptions, like Bush's Commerce Secretary, Carlos Gutierrez, who dislikes Trump's economic plans.

Hillary Clinton has embraced these wayward Republicans in that annoying way that Democrats have of trying to say that what they believe is extra-valid because Republicans like it. Yeah, she's making it seem safe for Republicans to cross that wall and vote for her by providing cover but, frankly, I don't need a fucking ad with fucking Michael Hayden and fucking Charles Krauthammer justifying why Hillary Clinton is a better choice than Donald Trump. Because, see, that's the lie that Obama bought into that fucked him over: That somehow he would bring people together who wouldn't ordinarily work together.

The second Clinton is inaugurated, impeachment proceedings will begin because that's what these GOP fuckers do. And every single one of them will run like baby rats back to their rat mother's teats and join the party in condemning Clinton for whatever made up shit they crap out this time. Their support of Clinton is just fucking cover so that they can say they turned away from Trump when he finally melts down and starts calling for death squads (which, again, would make Negroponte fucking hard).

If I were Clinton, I'd demand that each of these assholes scrambling to get away from Trump join the Democratic Party. Don't make it easy on this scum. Tell them they need abandon their party or tell them to go to hell with Trump. Leave the GOP to the extremists and the racists and the nutzoids. You know climate change is real. You know gun laws need to be passed. You fucking know that the tax laws are tilted radically towards the wealthy. You know that LGBT issues are done. You know that unless you get down and dirty with the fundamentalists and nationalists and the remnants of the Tea Party, you will be primaried. So fuck you and your support. Show you mean it. Then we can fight about the identity of the Democratic Party, which we're gonna have to do anyway.

Except you, Negroponte. Get the fuck away. Fuck you in hell.


Louisiana, Washed Away, Once Again

Even we who were on higher ground were worried in Lafayette Parish in south Louisiana. The Rude Stepdad said that he had dropped his flood insurance a few years earlier under advice from his insurance agent, who happened to be a neighbor. During the storm on Friday and after the rain finally slacked off on Saturday, both of them watched as the water crept up from the street and the puddles in the yards became pools, one more downpour away from reaching the front door. The insurance just cost $400 a year, something the Rude Stepdad can well afford. As we looked outside the house, I said, perhaps a bit dickishly, "You get the insurance for the peace of mind." The Rude Stepdad agreed and, before I left on Monday, he said he was going to sign up again.

That was what you heard over and over from people as the historic storms created historic floods and historic river crests, with some still to come, all over south Louisiana, hitting primarily in Cajun Country and the state capital, Baton Rouge. It flooded where it never floods. One friend who said he always floods at least a bit didn't get any water while residents who never got water in their homes were confronted with several feet of it.

The stories came in. An employee of the Rude Stepdad's couldn't open the store because her trailer had water up to her knees. The Rude Brother showed me a photo of a friend who said he was heading to the store in Youngsville. He was standing on a paddleboard, heading off into the drowned streets like a surfer-dude Huck Finn to a grocery store that had a line around the block waiting to get in. This being Louisiana and this storm not being a hurricane or even predicted to be anything like what happened, people hadn't cleared the shelves to hunker down for a rainy staycation. Just the night before, the Rude Brother and I had been boogying in a downtown bar as the showers poured down, and now the stores around the Blue Moon Saloon were taking on water.

Before the curfew on Saturday night, I went to one of the only open stores, Target, to get a few things. The place was virtually a ghost town, and I was in line behind a couple of members of the National Guard, who were just called up to go rescue people in the water-covered town of Crowley, among others. The guardsman in line in front of me told the cashier that he didn't know when he'd get back home, so he was buying underwear and t-shirts and pajama pants. "Just to have something dry to wear," he told her, knowing what was coming, the thousands of people who needed their help. When the underwear didn't scan, the cashier just let him have it for free. He thanked her and handed some money to a woman in uniform to help pay for the beer they were getting, too.

In Baton Rouge, the Rude Sister-in-Law's sister was texting from her house on Saturday as the flood waters rose. At first she was worried the water would get inside. But she wouldn't get in her car and leave. Then the water was coming in. Then it was up to her ankles. But she refused to call 911 to get rescued. Then the water was up to her knees. Then AT&T crapped out and she couldn't text any more. But she went on Facebook to post a photo of herself sitting on her roof, with a beer, watching the water rise. The Rude Brother and Sister-in-Law were ready to race there to save her, but any road to get to her was blocked by the floods. Finally, she got on a boat and was taken to a house of friends down the river...the road, but, you know. The next day, the Rude Sis-in-Law drove to Baton Rouge in a truck with big mud-ready wheels and walked through the thigh-high sewage and snake-filled water to get her sister, her dog, and two cats.

While she was doing that, I went with a pal to brunch at the Blue Dog Cafe. I'm no hero. On the way there, we drove past the flooded areas of Lafayette.

We drove close to the overflowed Vermillion River, and I told my pal about wealthy friends of the Rude Brother who had been rescued by boat right down the street. At the restaurant, we sat at the bar. The bartender was pissed off because he had been called in after there had been two or three feet of water in his neighborhood, which was right down the street from Target. While sucking down beer and Old Fashioneds and gumbo, my pal talked about how places like Youngsville had been overbuilt, that sugar cane fields that once were a buffer between the river and homes had become subdivisions, especially in the state's diaspora post-Katrina.

My pal walked up to the two guitarists singing folk and rock songs for the few people in the place. He put a five I gave him in their tip jar and requested Randy Newman's "Louisiana 1927," the mournful song about resilience and resignation in the face of an uncaring disaster. It was lovely and sad and we applauded at the end before heading for a serving of dirty rice and crab cakes.

By yesterday, many of the floods had receded, while some towns were waiting for more floods to come. More rain fell. It's summer and there are gushing thunderstorms most afternoons.

I can guarantee you that the vast majority of the houses gutted by the floods would have never been robbed. That is a pretty ludicrous fear in general. I can guarantee you that all the time we have spent arguing about having guns to protect us wouldn't have stopped one raindrop from falling. And I can guarantee you that what we used to call "unprecedented" storms, 100 year storms, 500 year storms, now have precedents and what used to be rare will become more frequent. As many states have learned in the last couple of years, you don't need a storm with a name to wreck the joint. You don't have to be a Democrat or Republican to know that the real threat to you and your home and your family is the weather, not the criminals.

We can make political statements about how places like Louisiana have been led by people who don't think climate change is real. If nothing else, we can be sure that they will one day have to flee for higher ground or drown. The question is how many of us will they take with them.

You can donate to flood relief here and here.


Is Donald Trump Rigging the Election?: A Theory with Circumstantial Evidence

Let us say, and why not, that Donald Trump is not merely a blithering madman. In fact, let us say, just for a moment, a thought experiment, if you will, that the real reason that Trump is campaigning for president the way he has isn't merely ego and bluster and neediness. Let us entertain the notion that what's really going on is that Trump has already set in motion the rigging of the 2016 presidential election. If we do that, then everything he is currently saying and doing makes perverse sense. The big con, then, isn't Trump running for president in order to do something else that's more lucrative (like start a TV network). No, the grift is that he's running as if he's going to win because he knows he's going to win.

The most obvious strategy here is preemptively accusing Democrats and the campaign of Hillary Clinton of election fraud to cover up his own imminent fraud. Most importantly, Trump did this in Pennsylvania, where he said, "The only way we can lose, in my opinion — I really mean this, Pennsylvania is if cheating goes on...She can’t beat what’s happening here. The only way they can beat it in my opinion, and I mean this 100 percent, if in certain sections of the state they cheat." Clinton right now is leading Trump in the polls in Pennsylvania, which would make a thoughtful man at least pause before outright alleging "cheating."

According to Verified Voting, Pennsylvania would be one of the easiest states to hack the vote because the vast majority of its counties currently have "direct recording electronic voting machines" without "voter verified paper audit trail printers." So electronic voting occurs without a paper trail in "certain sections of the state." Rhetorically, Trump is setting up his "win" by making sure it seems inevitable. Yes, you could say he's just sour grape-ing it in advance and delegitimizing a Clinton victory. Or he could be making sure that when he wins despite the polls, he can say that he was right all along and any allegations of fraud against him are defying something that he had predicted months before the election.

Is this a stretch? Of course it is. But we're in such a bizarro election landscape right now, where a completely inexperienced candidate refuses to release his taxes and lies constantly, demonstrably, and confidently, all while speaking incoherently and irrationally, and 35-45% of Americans still support him, that nothing is off the table.

Take, for instance, Trump's refusal to buy any ad time, despite the fact that his campaign has raked in a large amount of donations. Obviously, it would cost a great deal of money to buy the silence and skills of anyone involved in rigging the election. And why, for instance, would Trump be campaigning in states that he simply has no chance of winning, like Oregon and Connecticut? He's got to make it seem as if his appearances there turned the tide in his favor when the mailed-in votes of Oregon are changed and the paper ballots in Connecticut are messed with. Trump has derided get-out-the-vote efforts and has minimal staff. Again, in the context of a fixed election, it actually makes sense.

One other piece of the puzzle is, of course, Trump's campaign chair, Paul Manafort, and his ties to former Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych, a close ally of Vladimir Putin. While Manafort was on his payroll, Yanukovych was what one writer called "a serial election fraudster," stealing presidential and parliamentary elections over the years. So perhaps Manafort offers a Russian connection to how one rigs an election.

Finally, there is Trump himself, who has often talked about how he has profited from seeming disasters, be it bankruptcies of his businesses or the housing bubble burst. He has no compunction about cheating contractors out of their fees. He will, in fact, do anything to come out on top in whatever situation he's in. It's possible that he could save face and say that a loss in the election made him richer than ever (however rich he might be). But is that really a victory in this scenario?

Again, this is just a thought experiment. I'm being sarcastic, but not that sarcastic. Trump acts like a man who knows he's gonna win. So either he does know it because he's making it happen or he's so epically delusional, a mad emperor awaiting the restoration of his fake empire, that we're just watching the pathetic spectacle of someone living in a hallucination.


Donald Trump Says Another Goddamn Thing or Other

“What fresh fuckery is this?” I thought as I watched Donald Trump’s latest attempt to appear like a genuine candidate for the presidency, which happened to be a speech on how to deal with “Radical Islamic terrorism” or whatever combination of words will create the incantation necessary to bring about the magical spell to stop the violence. Driven half mad by the nonstop rain in south Louisiana, seeing the terrible flooding and hearing more and more stories of greater floods beyond where I was, ready to escape onto a plane to head back to the heat wave of the Northeast, all, all exacerbated by climate change, a graver and greater threat than an ISIS/al-Qaeda sandwich covered in an Iranian secret sauce, I couldn’t begin to think that a lump of sulfur disguised as a man could have anything remotely helpful to say about any issue that requires more thought than “More gold on the bidet.”

In fact, there was so much fuckery in Trump’s desperate attempt to seem tough that you couldn’t tell where the fuckery ended and the man begins for, yes, Donald Trump is a personification of fuckery. For instance, there was his insistence that President Obama’s foreign policy was somehow being run by Hillary Clinton, even though she hasn’t been Secretary of States since February 1, 2013. You can say she had a hand in a lot of shit, like, you know, getting Osama bin Laden (seriously, if she gets all the blame for Benghazi, how about a little bit of credit for bin Laden?). But once she was out and John Kerry was in, you’re just a prick for implying that she was still in charge.

So we went, lies skipping along, hand-in-hand with utter bullshit. We got promises to behave like Joseph McCarthy on angel dust when it comes to labeling people enemies of the state, just like McCarthy’s power bottom and Trump confidante/mentor Roy Cohn would have loved (Cohn just started his fourth decade starring in Hell’s production of Let’s Skin Roy Cohn Alive Again). That was the notion of "extreme vetting," as Trump put it, which sounds like doing crazy shit to help sick and injured animals, but is actually a new game that Trump wants to play, a fuckin' quiz show for anyone wanting to enter the country.

We slid down the semen-slickened the rabbithole of revisionist history, where no fucking Republican had any blame when it came to 9/11. Where Russia gets praised while Obama gets dragged across the coals. Where NATO adjusted its policy on terrorism just because Donald Trump had said some shit. Where, above George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton is the only person guilty of anything when it comes to the Iraq War (and not all the other congressional fucksacks who voted for it and are still there) and thus directly responsible for the rise of ISIS.

Jesus Christ al-fuckin'-mighty, another goddamn speech, another series of malignant fuckeries. Trump's idiot hordes will believe him when he said, "According to CNN, ISIS made as much $500 million in oil sales in 2014 alone, fueling and funding its reign of terror. If we had controlled the oil, we could have prevented the rise of ISIS in Iraq – both by cutting off a major source of funding, and through the presence of U.S. forces necessary to safeguard the oil and other vital infrastructure. I was saying this constantly and to whoever would listen: keep the oil, keep the oil, keep the oil, I said – don’t let someone else get it."

The problem there is, you know, the facts. ISIS doesn't fucking sell oil from Iraq. As the Washington Post pointed out, "[A]ll of the oil sold by the militants has come from fields they occupy in Syria. They have never controlled oil-rich territory in Iraq, where oil provides about 99 percent of government revenue, according to the United Nations." So if we had "kept the oil," we would have fucked over Iraq worse than it already is.

So, yeah, this was, as Trump claimed, humbly, "another area where my judgment has been proven correct," if that area is the fucking fantasy land where he apparently gets all of his fucking ideas and where he's just shitting gold bricks and everyone loves him for it.

We're just indulging a deranged "billionaire" at this point, and arguing with him, or with his idiot hordes, is like trying to get Mr. Magoo to understand that he's fucking blind.


A Brief Note About Donald Trump and "You Can't Always Get What You Want"

Every Donald Trump rally ends with songs about fucking (Free's "All Right Now") and other seemingly un-presidential topics. But the oddest choice may very well be the Rolling Stones' "You Can't Always Get What You Want." A generous reading is that Trump sees himself as "what you need" that you might find you get if you try sometimes. Or maybe he just likes the song and doesn't give two shits about what it means.

For some of us, the song has an association with the film The Big Chill, about aging children of the 1960s facing growing up and edging into middle-age in the anxious, conservative 1980s. "You Can't Always Get What You Want" plays early on, when the characters, a group of friends, are driving to a cemetery to bury one of their own who committed suicide, a melancholy soundtrack to a melancholy moment in a generally melancholy movie.

What makes "You Can't..." such a genuinely weird choice to play at a political event, beyond that it's hardly got a pump-you-up intensity, is that it's about giving up on unrealistic hopes and expectations, facing the end of the revolutionary dreams of the 1960s (something the Stones themselves would put the punctuation mark at the end of the sentence at Altamont in December 1969), and settling for what life hands you. In other words, you could kindly say that it's about accepting reality above illusions, or you could less kindly say that it's about the failure to bring about utopian freedom in the 1960s and what bullshit that pursuit had become. Hell, it's the last song on the Stones' last album of the decade, Let It Bleed.

As Greil Marcus put it in his original review of the album for Rolling Stone, "This era and the collapse of its bright and flimsy liberation are what the Stones leave behind with the last song of Let It Bleed. The dreams of having it all are gone, and the album ends with a song about compromises with what you want — learning to take what you can get, because the rules have changed with the death of the Sixties. Back a few years, all of London's new lower-class middle-class aristocracy were out for just what they wanted and they damned well got it. But no one can live off a memory that vanished sense of mastery felt in, when was it, '65, '66? If 'Gimmie Shelter' is the Stones' song of terror, 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' looks for satisfaction in resignation." (Marcus wrote recently about songs around the Trump campaign.)

Maybe you could argue that the song itself has a Republican tilt, what with its admission that the 1960s party was over and, fuck you, hippies, welcome to the 1970s, which begins with Nixon and ends with the rise of Reagan. But it's sad and hilarious and sadly hilarious and hilariously sad watching obese white people dance when Mick Jaggar is singing,

I went down to the Chelsea drugstore
to get your prescription filled
I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy
and man, did he look pretty ill.
We decided that we would have a soda
my favorite flavor’s cherry red
I sang my song to Mr. Jimmy
and he said one word to me and that was "death."

Although, you know, to be fair, when one goes to a Trump rally, one does get their "fair share of abuse." And, to be fair, it's rich fucks like Trump who helped put a stake in the heart of the 60s.

Maybe the best way to go here is a meta-interpretation. As we have come to learn, words are meaningless to Trump. When he was asked by lipless cretin Hugh Hewitt about calling President Obama the "founder of ISIS," Trump asked Hewitt if he liked it. What mattered to Trump was that "Everyone’s liking it. I think they’re liking it."

So fuck meaning. Fuck truth. Fuck words. What matters is if people like something. People like "You Can't Always Get What You Want," so fuck that it's actually saying, "Your revolution is over." It sounds good.


Baltimore Police Department Report: What Happens When Armed, Dangerously Undertrained People Are Given Power With No Oversight

There are so many nauseating passages in the Justice Department's excoriating report on the practices of the Baltimore police department that you could spend all day vomiting and you'd still need reserves of puke to expel later. There's the almost absurd level of racism involved in the treatment of alleged and actual criminals and completely innocent people who just happen to be there when a cop rolls up. There's the wantonly cruel attitude towards victims of sexual assault. And what comes through in nearly every case is just how dangerously under- or just plain untrained and unregulated the cops of Baltimore are, which puts the responsibility for this nightmare squarely on the leadership of the BPD and the city.

For instance, here's a particularly appalling example: "BPD’s policies on use of force, and on use of specific weapons were, until very recently, missing critical elements. BPD implemented its first policy governing officers’ use of batons in 2016. The Department’s first policy governing the use of oleoresin capsicum, or 'OC' spray was implemented in 2015. Despite the previous lack of policy guidance on the use of these weapons, the Department had issued these weapons to its officers for decades."

You got that? Other than vague "Training Guidelines," the cops of Baltimore had no policy on use of batons. Batons. Which cops having been using since there have been, you know, cops. No policy saying "Don't beat someone until they're bloody for shits and giggles" until 2016. And nothing on pepper spray until 2015.

Oh, but wait. What if you're a totally old school prick cop who likes to use his bare hands to take down some uppity Negro? Well, until recently, go crazy, but don't leave too much of a mark: "Importantly, until its 2016 policy update, BPD did not require a number of types of force by BPD officers to be reported. This included takedowns, punches, control holds and pain compliance techniques, unless a subject complained of pain, or injury resulted. Our review of BPD’s reports suggests that, in practice, force involving an officer’s hands was generally only reported if the subject sustained injuries requiring medical attention." When you combine that with the fact that "Until July 2016, BPD policies on force failed to encourage any de-escalation strategies," you've pretty much got an intensely combustible situation. Especially considering that "until recently, BPD had no comprehensive training on de-escalation strategies to guide officers on how to resolve incidents without resorting to force."

When you get to the actual training police officers received, especially on use of force, it is somewhere between "unconstitutional" and "actively harmful." For instance, "BPD’s Defensive Tactics training teaches officers an erroneous legal standard for excessive force. It separates excessive force into (1) 'perceived' excessive force; (2) 'intentional' excessive force; and (3) 'unintentional' excessive force. This separation between 'perceived,' 'intentional' and 'unintentional' excessive force has no place under well-established Fourth Amendment standards governing excessive force."

But, you might say, obviously officers know about some kind of policy, right? Nah, don't be an idiot: "[U]ntil recently, officers had insufficient access to Departmental policies. Officers received a policy manual in the Academy upon joining the Department, but later updates to policies were not distributed in a manner that ensured officers received and reviewed the updated policy. Officers receive policy updates through their email, which many officers do not frequently check or have access to because Department computers in the precincts are old, outdated, and frequently break down."

Read the whole thing, if you have the stomach for it. You can see the pattern of cover-ups, the cavalier attitude towards the law by law enforcement, and the gut-wrenching violence. And remember that all those recent changes to policy and training occurred only because the cops were too public with some of their murders. In other words, they got caught.

Frankly, the fact that there haven't been anti-cop riots every day in Baltimore shows just how successful terrorism can be.


Oh, Murder. Is It Ever Not Funny, Donald Trump?

Let us all fondly remember when an old fuck once made a quick joke about murder. That'd be in 1984 when, while part of a sound check off air, President Ronald Reagan said, "My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes." To be as fair as possible to the architect of America's inevitable doom, no one was supposed to hear that beyond some aides and sound techs.

But it was recorded and leaked to the press, and, beyond the political waves it made here, the paranoid, imploding Soviet Union was pretty pissed off. It was used as anti-U.S. propaganda by Pravda because, frankly, joking or not, the President of the United States just fucking said he wanted to kill millions of Russians and he had the power to do so at his whim. There was even a report that the Soviet army was placed on alert for a brief period.


So if we buy one of the many excuses the Donald Trump campaign has given for the Republican presidential nominee saying that gun nuts could assassinate a President Hillary Clinton to stop her from appointing anti-gun judges, that it's a joke, well, shit, that doesn't really help matters. Because, see, the motherfucking president is not a motherfucking entertainer, something that Donald Trump doesn't seem to be able to comprehend. If God decides to have a laugh and give everyone brain damage on election day, a President Trump would almost surely make some remark about, say, bombing Yemen and fucking the corpses with his pal Vladimir, and then he'd say he was joking and we're just too dumb to understand and too politically correct to get its nuance and, hey, fuck you, Muslims if you get upset about.

You know who says stupid, violent, abusive things and then says they're joking? Assholes, that's who.

(And, by the way, if the Clinton remark was a joke, it's a shitty one. Not even remotely funny. Truth be told, Reagan's was kind of funny.)

However, the Trump campaign can't get its story straight. Trump and others blamed the media for taking what he said the wrong way. Hmm. Trump said that Clinton "wants to abolish the Second Amendment," a baldfaced lie that his idiot hordes take as gospel. Then he warned that, as president, already elected, she'd get to appoint judges who would do her evil bidding. However, "if she gets to pick—if she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks, although the Second Amendment people, maybe there is, I don’t know." Trump claimed that he clearly meant for them to unify and vote, although its weird that he'd think that only gun lovers would want to vote against Clinton. Others relied on the usual "Trump misspoke because he doesn't speak good."

Fuck that, though. He was talking post-election. He was clearly saying, "You could always just shoot her." And then, one supposes, Tim Kaine. And then, perhaps, the Speaker of the House, if the possible landslide shifts the power in Congress. And on and on until you get someone who will appoint the right judges. Unless Trump is so fucking ignorant of how succession works that he thinks it's like the Miss Universe pageant and the first runner-up gets the crown if the winner has to give it up.

As far as a threat goes, this is no worse, really, than when Clinton herself suggested in 2008 that there was a possibility that candidate Obama might suffer the same fate as Bobby Kennedy. It was a fucking dumb thing to say then, and this is dumb now.

But Clinton's remark was not part of a piece. It was an outlier in the intense rhetoric of a primary campaign. Trump has called Clinton a "monster," a "horrible, horrible human being," and a criminal, if not an outright traitor. Well, shit, if that's who Clinton is, a delusional gun fellater could semi-reasonably argue, then she needs to be stopped. Just like the men who shot cops dead in Dallas and Baton Rouge. The rationale is not that different.

Mostly, though, this is about Republicans who refuse to condemn Trump the man, only the occasional stupid thing he says. Trump has driven the campaign into the mud and is wallowing in it like a pig in shit. Let's be honest, though. Most of what Trump says is basic Republicanism. The other stuff is the sideshow. For many in the GOP, to disavow Trump is to disavow nearly everything they've stood for since Reagan, who really wasn't the shiny immigrant-loving Social Security savior that some on the left want to embrace, just to spite Republicans. The difference is that Reagan could sell hate and violence with charm and eloquence. Trump is merely a devolved, crude rip-off of the master con man.


Trump Lies and Pence Laps: Portrait of a Campaign with Nothing to Say

Walking Orange Crush bottle and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump gave a speech yesterday allegedly on the nation's economy where, basically, he lied about everything and announced plans that would benefit his family on the backs of everyone else. In other words, pretty much the way Trump has lived his entire life wrapped up in a policy package that was supposed to be his latest pivot to "serious thinking candidate man thinking seriously" and away from "constantly masturbating tamarin."

The biggest bullshit in a heap of shit of various animals and humans had to do with what Trump called "an America First economic plan." There was a time when that had meaning, racist, isolationist meaning, sure. But it was easier in another era to say "America First" and put some weight behind your bugfuck pronouncements because "Fuck those Huns and Hottentots and Jews and the Red and Yellow Menaces, and get the darkie to bring me a drink, Mildred." However, we're not in that era. We're about 60 years away from it. Now there is only the globe, and anyone who thinks that you can exist in a world where your nation's interests are somehow divorced from the interests of every other nation is an idiot, at best, and, well, shit, a fucking idiot at worst. Pretty much you're just an idiot.

And it's pretty easy to prove this. Trump said, "When we were governed by an America First policy, Detroit was booming." Except the very thing that undid Detroit was, in part, protectionist policies that favored American industries, especially in raw materials, and especially large producers, which inhibited innovation. This is not to mention the complacency and outright intransigence of the management in the auto industry in the face of vastly increased foreign competition in places where, yeah, the governments were deeply involved. Japan, which had bought 90% of its cars from the United States pre-World War II, told us to go fuck ourselves with our gas guzzlers. (And that is not to mention the failure to address poverty in Detroit or lack of especially Republican support for infrastructure spending - something Trump insists he'll pull from his magical trickle-down asshole - and the energy crisis of the 1970s. What I'm saying is what I said before: You're a fucking idiot if you think you can say "America First" and make all the problems go away.)

But let's include one other big goddamn lie in this tangled roach orgy of falsehoods. And that comes from Trump's running mate, the odious Golem, Mike Pence, who has decided that the only way to escape the fetid hellhole that is Indiana is to gently cup Trump's balls in his mouth. In a speech in Sioux City, Iowa, yesterday, Pence was cleaning the waxy folds of Trump's small, brown scrotum vigorously, and he told the crowd that Trump, who lives in a multistory penthouse where he makes visitors wear booties on their shoes so they don't leave germs, was a motherfuckin' man o' the peoples.

"While he’s led a global business and built skyscrapers to the clouds, he’s done it shoulder-to-shoulder with the men who have done the work,” Pence gurgled between laps. "He’s spent as much time talking to the people grooming the lawns and laying the bricks as he has to other CEOs." That last part may actually be true because "other CEOs" don't want to fucking talk to Trump. They see him as a fraud who will drag down their fortunes. So when he tells Pablo that the shrubs are looking cleanly cut today at Mar-a-Lago, yeah, that's pretty much about the amount he's talked to CEOs.

Pence also revealed the real truth about what the Trump campaign is offering to voters, the point behind the con. He said, "This is really a very simple choice...It’s a choice between change and the status quo. At the very moment America is crying out for something different, the other party has nominated the most familiar of names with a stale agenda."

In other words, "Sure, the economy has been growing steadily for years. Sure, more and more jobs are being added. Sure, we're in relatively peaceful times. But, c'mon, aren't you just so fucking bored with all this competence? Don't you want to have a president who might nuke Syria one day and then beg Russia for a reacharound while it's balls deep in his ass? Don't you want some crazy for a change? Wouldn't that be fun?"


Sorry, Americans, But We Live in the World, and the Rest of It Thinks We're Fucking Idiots Because of Trump

For ten days, I roamed parts of Ireland, from the city of Dublin to the tourist mecca of Killarney to the tiny seaside town of Doolin, and everywhere I went, in pubs, at castles, on a trail to a goddamned waterfall, nearly every single Irish person I met had a variation on the same question as soon as I said I was American: "So Donald Trump? What the fuck's up with that? Is he gonna be president?" It wasn't asked in a hopeful way, oh, no. Do not misinterpret. It was more along the lines of "What the fuck is wrong with all of you?"

And you gotta feel for the Irish at this point. On one side, the United Kingdom lost its collective shit and voted to leave the entity that has provided economic stability and peace for decades, something that will directly impact Ireland. On the other side, way on the other side, the United States seems, to the appalled onlooker, on the verge of electing Trump, an ungrateful twat-flea who acts as if we should be on our knees, thanking him for giving up his precious fucking time to run for president.

This madness is all around Ireland, and, honestly, the only answer I could give was "Don't worry. We're not going to elect him." Which is all well and good, but how do you try to explain it, especially since, as far as a great deal of the world is concerned, we seemed to have righted ourselves in the US after the disaster of electing and then, what they holy fuck, reelecting George W. Bush. As far as many other countries see it, we're on the verge of something worse, of being the Incredible Hulk on meth, a big-ass destruction machine without the ability to calm the fuck down.

Here's an engorged tip for every conservative dogfucker who thinks that the United States has lost its leadership around the globe because of Obama doing some Kenyan hoodoo or some such shit: We haven't. Not by a fucking mile. In fact, as far as much of the world goes, Bush diminished us, Obama brought us back, and, now, this Trump thing is making the world think we're just a bunch of petulant children, so enamored of the smell of our crap that we can indulge in the most reckless behavior without consequences.

When a friend was in Mexico recently, she got the same thing. Ask anyone who travels anywhere and they hear it repeatedly. "What the fuck is going on with the United States?" "How the fuck could you allow this to happen?" And, in the case of some countries (as a traveler to the Ukraine told me), "Wow, and we thought we were fucked up." These are often followed with some level of disbelief over how excruciatingly long our elections are. "How many months do you have until you vote?" asked a disbelieving woman who had paused with her kids near me on the waterfall path in Kerry.

Trump is everything ugly about the US in one bloated, grotesque, smug package: incurious to the point of blithering ignorance, arrogantly confident about that ignorance, and defiantly dismissive of anyone who would challenge that ignorance. It's a fucking embarrassment, like trying to explain that the rest of your family isn't all child molesters despite the fact that you've got a couple of cousins who fucked small kids. No one gives a shit that John Wayne Gacy's sisters may have been perfectly nice people.

And the biggest goddamn fart joke in the whole crude Adam Sandler film that is our election process is that we are still pretending as if this patent liar, this demonstrable fraud, this ignorant piece of shit who gives honest turds a bad name, this Trump, this child, this trash heap that prances and preens like an inbred prince, has anything legitimate to say about anything. We must seriously contemplate one of his mock serious speeches about, say, the economy of the nation, where he says absolutely nothing of any meaning at all. Fuck, it'd be easier to explain away having a clown-rapist-killer as a brother.

We live in the world, the whole world, and there is no such thing as "America First" anymore. That is a toddler's fantasy of geopolitics. Let's at least pretend like we're grown-ups.

Late Post Today

Stuck in a Delta Airlines clusterfuck. 

Back after extricating myself and wiping off. 


A Parable from Ireland

Those ruins belonged to a wealthy man, not well-liked, in the 14th-century here in County Cork, Ireland. And the story goes, for there always is a possibly apocryphal story going, that the man had been called to court to answer a suit against him. Before getting into his carriage to head to the city, the man directed his servants, "If I am not back in five days, burn the house to the ground." See, he was thinking that if he lost at court, he'd rather turn his property to ashes than give it over to the court. 

Of course, he won the case. Of course, he went out to celebrate for days, as one did in the 1300s. Of course, he lost track of time. Of course, he rode back home in a hurry to see his stately manor in flames. Of course, no one who is told this story ever hears about what happened to the servants.  

What burned were the floors, the timbers, and his possessions. The stone would not burn. The frame remains, a hollowed-out shell, an unyielding reminder of how arrogance and ignorance can gut us. 

When we were wandering here, we hoped the real story was that the servants ransacked place and gleefully set it aflame.

Back Monday with regular rudeness. 


Playing the Game: Trump Ain't Fit to Carry Nixon's Jockstrap

By Jasper Gerretsen, a Dutch grad student in history (and I love the name "Jasper")

(Continuing with the millennial dudes writing about the election. I didn't intend this to be all dudes. I would have preferred it not to be all dudes. But dudes you got. I'm in Ireland. Feck off.)

One of my favorite American presidents of all time is Richard Nixon. This might be hard to accept for someone of my political inclinations or hair length. It's certainly not because I agree with any of his policies or recognize anything likable in his character. Rather, Richard Nixon fascinates me because he was one of the best players of the political game of the twentieth century. You can take the American presidential election as a board game, in which two players compete over a finite number of resources until finally, after a long and arduous battle of attrition, the final tally is made and the player with the largest number of resources wins. It's not always a clean game, sometimes the final decision has to come down to the judges, but when the smoke is cleared both players shake hands, congratulate each other on a game well played, and move on. 

If the American elections are a board game then it's hard to argue that there's a greater player than Richard Nixon. Sure, he got his ass beat by the young upstart Kennedy in 1960 but he spent the next eight years preparing to play again. He scouted the board that would be played on. He moved foreign and domestic policy pieces into positions that would favor him well before anyone even knew he'd be having another go at it. He studied the rules meticulously and made a note of every loophole that could be exploited to his advantage. He analyzed how previous winners played the game but also how other players lost. He even got a coach to put together a game plan that was entirely designed to use the 1968 edition of the game board to his advantage by accumulating as many Scared White Man pieces as he could. After his victory he spent the next four years stacking the deck and rearranging the game pieces to assure that he would win even harder in 1972. 

Fast-forward to 2016 where two new players have lined up. The board looks sort-of-kind-of similar to the one the players in 1968 played the game on. There's the US being embroiled in foreign wars that it had no business starting, the bills for which have completely crippled the economy. There's black people being righteously pissed off at decades of systemic abuse and old white men in the media and politics nervously clutching their pearls at the sheer audacity of it all. And in the middle of this retro game board the red player seems to have taken a few pages out of the playbook of the old master. He plays the Law and Order card repeatedly. He positions himself as the only guy who can end the military quagmire. 

To any but the most casual observer however, it should be obvious that the 2016 red player can't hold a candle to the grand master from 1968. Nixon knew every inch of the board and every letter of the rulebook. The current red player hasn't bothered with all that. He bumbled his way into getting to play at the main table by making moves that were so stupid that no sane player would contemplate them and being so unpredictable that nobody, neither the his opponents nor the analysts that cover the game's progression, could make any sense of it. And it worked, up to a point. It has all been so outlandish and weird that it has somehow kept him going. Those analysts rooting for the red team struggle to sell it all as brilliance but the longer the game goes on, the less it's working. The blue player is a veteran and while she has struggled to get out of the starting block she has come out swinging, beating the red player at his own game and succeeding more and more at exposing himself as the bumbling fool he actually is. And the red player got more and more frustrated until finally, on August first, he made his stupidest move yet. 

After a series of particularly successful moves from the blue player and a series of blunders from himself, the red player has stood up, dropped his trousers and announced that he was ready and willing to take a steaming dump right on the game board if he doesn't win in the end. And that's a problem. Because not only has it already been established that the red player is stupid enough to do it but everybody knows that if it happens, it will take forever to clean up the mess he's made and even if everything has been cleaned up it will take decades for the lingering stink of shit around the game to dissipate. It's a sad commentary on the state of the game that it just might work. It taps into the same banal strategies that the red player has utilized so far. It even draws on sentiments that have been fermenting among observers of the game for the past twenty years, the silent sullen belief that the only way to win the game is to cheat. 

What has changed this time around is that one of the players is validating that belief. Of course he's not going to cheat, he'd never dream of it, but if his opponent wins in November it must be because his opponent cheated. And if he convinces enough people of that fact they will burn everything around them down. 

This also shows why Trump is nothing like Nixon. It goes well beyond one of them being competent and the other being Trump. Because at the end of the day Nixon might have played ruthlessly and taken every opportunity to bend the rules but he never even suggested that he didn't respect the game itself. He had the good taste to keep any desires to beat up those who exposed his idiocy to himself. When he lost the first time around he accepted it and went back to the drawing board. Even now I can only imagine him looking up from whatever kind of hell there is for a Quaker who made bombing brown people his policy and shaking his head in disbelief at the thought that anyone could compare him to Trump. Something has to be done about him, and soon. He has already climbed up on the table and dropped his pants. He's squatting. He's even crowning. And if he's allowed to continue there's no telling how far his shit will spray or how long it will take to clean everything up again. 

Even the tiniest brown nuggets will fuck up the game for generations to come.


How My Friends Piss Me Off About the Election

Guest post by R. Sharp, recent college graduate (continuing this week's millennials-on-the-election theme)

My friends are like family to me. In conversation, we respect each person's opinion, learn from each other's experiences, and usually come to a general understanding in the end. Whether it be "you're exactly right" or "let's agree to disagree," there is always some good to draw away from the whole experience. So when it comes to a tense subject like politics, we understand that we can learn a great deal if we just listen and don't end up stabbing each other.

The conventions showed us that the future rests in the hands of two very different world views. In Cleveland, Republicans told us that America is fucking Ground Zero, a lawless state where crime and corruption run rampant, cops are murdered, and terrorists, both foreign and domestic, piss on their corpses while chanting "Death to the USA!" In Philadelphia, Democrats reassured us that America is on the right track, Trump is pure evil, and Hillary Clinton has the best damn presidential resume you've ever seen. Since the conventions I've been asking my friends and peers what they think of the election and who they would vote for. After countless discussions and a few arguments I've compiled a list of three statements that I constantly hear and, frankly, piss me off.

I hate Hillary Clinton.
Holy shit, nearly all of my friends say the same thing. While I try to respect all opinions, this resentment is simply sorely misplaced. For almost 25 years Hillary Clinton has been in the public eye, duking it out in the blood sport that is American politics. Faced with some of the most heinous opposition from conservative media, political rivals, and the millions of people who hate her guts, Hillary Clinton has stood strong and brushed off every insult and lie that her critics have thrown at her. Much of what we hear about Clinton in the media has been twisted or distorted in a way that makes her look like a selfish and incompetent idiot who is unfit to lead.

Yes, while Clinton may be uninspiring, unenthusiastic, and, yeah, bland there is absolutely no reason for her to be constantly pummeled the way she is. Whether it's Republicans who have tried endlessly to indict her for the Benghazi tragedy and the use of her private email server. Or pissed off Bernie supporters who think she is a corrupt, untrustworthy liar. It's time to stop the hate, people. How many times do we need to point out that Hillary has been thoroughly investigated by ten congressional committees relating to Benghazi, none of which found any evidence of a stand down order, intelligence failure, or any administrative wrongdoing. FBI director James Comey said Clinton was "extremely careless" in her use of the private email server but did not charge her with any wrongdoing. While "extremely careless" sounds a bit troubling, consider that both Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice, former secretaries of state under Bush, had private email servers that contained classified information. No one pointed fingers at them for any wrongdoing, and you're honestly going to tell me that they did a flawless job while Clinton fucked everything up? I seriously doubt that.

Trump is a piece of shit.

First of all, whoever tells you this is doing him a service. Trump is not just a piece of shit, he's a whole week's worth of explosive diarrhea.

Not only is this psychotic, ignorant, sorry excuse for a human being not fit to lead our country, he has proven time and time again that he is incredibly dangerous for America. Not only does he lie about everything to keep his pitiful campaign afloat, his "plans" for America would completely destroy us as even a marginally unified people. The Muslim immigration ban, the Mexican border wall, and his atrocious tax plan (which would add trillions to the national debt) would severely damage our economy and overall societal structure. However, I'm not writing this to voice the common grievances I hear about Trump and his disgusting campaign. You see, Trump has already done a massive amount of irreversible damage to this country, and it all became evident during Ted Cruz's RNC speech.

Ted Cruz, your everyday Cuban conservative Texan from Canada, took the stage at the dreary RNC to give a speech about "voting with your conscience." The seemingly innocent message was drowned out by heavy booing from the crowd and a surprise appearance from everyone's favorite Hitler wannabe. Although it was comical to see Ted Cruz ridiculed by his own party, the crowd's reaction scared the shit out of me. It seems that Trump supporters, along with the majority of the Republican party, have completely rejected the notion of critical thought. A completely mindless population, shuffling along blindly through life, incapable of seeing all sides of an issue, and believing everything they hear without question is a million times more frightening than some wrinkly orange guy overtaking America.

While he will most likely lose the election, don't think you have seen the end of Trump's influence on our society. Is it just me, or did all the uneducated lunatics in America come out of nowherein the past year? What kind of person would listen to Antonio Sabato Jr. talk about anything, or consider voting David Duke into the US Senate? People who have found a voice in Trump, that's who. So when someone says, "Trump is a piece of shit" but doesn't do anything about it, that pisses me off.

I'm voting for Gary Johnson/Jill Stein.

I was at a diner with my friends over the weekend when one of them addressed the table, saying, "I'm not voting this year; they both stink."

Before I could interject another friend offered this bit of wisdom, "You don't have to vote for them; there's other choices."

What are those other choices? Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson and Green Party candidate Jill Stein of course. A lot of disgruntled Bernie Sanders supporters (including my friends) believe that voting for a third party candidate would satisfy their ideological values while still allowing them to vote. Sorry, Bernie-era, but there is a stark difference between Gary Johnson and Bernie Sanders, while Jill Stein is just another vote for Trump.

In contrast to Bernie Sanders, Gary Johnson supports the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) which is designed to protect the interests of large multi-national corporations. Johnson also wants to repeal Obamacare, which would take 20 million Americans off healthcare. He is also opposed to gun control and the assault weapons ban. That doesn't sound like a truly progressive Bernie supporter.

On the other end of the spectrum you have Dr. Jill Stein. A progressive liberal who firmly believes in healthcare and education as a right, opposes corporate greed, and supports a $15 minimum wage. While all of that sounds fantastic, Stein is attracting the Bernie supporters and rebukes Clinton's corporate backing. While recent polls show Stein walking away with only 1%-5% of the vote, it is important to note that she would be taking that percentage away from Clinton, not Trump. I completely understand voting for what you believe in, but we cannot allow Trump to take the White House. The Bernie Sanders faithful must ask themselves what this moral high ground is that they are standing on. What will you tell your kids who grow up in Trump's fascist America? "I was so idealistic and moral that I let Trump win." Is that idealism? I don't think so.

This election isn't about morality, idealism, or hatred. It's about keeping Trump out of the White House and electing a sane, competent, and proven leader in Hillary Clinton; and guess what? In four years, if you don't like what she's done, you can vote for someone else. Hell, the Republicans (what's left of them) could nominate someone with a brain. Or maybe your beloved third party candidate will gain more support by then. Isn't democracy great that way? Can we try to keep it?


Your Vote Has Worth and Meaning

(Note: This week, while I'm on vacation, I'm featuring millennials writing about the election. I'm still looking for another writer or two. Hit me up if you're in the mood and young but still legal. For now, check this out by Brennan Bartley, Intern for a Democratic Campaign)

I have a message I think needs to be given to the people who are planning on voting for Jill Stein or Gary Johnson or whoever else they want because they don’t think Hillary Clinton passes some ideological purity test, or she’s a crook, or she’s a robot created by Wall Street to invade Libya. Many of them are, like me, white millennials, And we need to ask them a couple questions. Do they realize that a vote for anyone who is not Hillary Clinton makes it more likely for Donald Trump to win the White House? Because it’s a simple choice. With the way our democracy works, it will be either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump in the White House next year. Which leads me to my next question; have they considered what a Trump presidency will do to affect people who don’t look like them or me?

Because for the guys who look like me, a Trump presidency won’t be as bad as it will for everyone else (still horrible, but less so). I’m not Jewish, so I won’t have to deal with the neo-nazis who think that their president silently endorses their ideology. I’m not gay, so a Trump Supreme court, modeled on Scalia, won’t roll back my right to marry who I love, or make it even harder to stop people from firing me because of who I am. I’m not Latino, so I don’t have to deal with assholes screaming “Build the Wall!”. I’m not one of our 11 million undocumented workers, so I don’t have to worry about being rounded up in the middle of a night by Trump’s deportation squads, or “Operation Wetback: Trump Edition” or whatever the fuck he wants to call it. I’m not Muslim, so I won’t have to deal with surveillance of my houses of worship, or stopped from coming to this country, or whatever else Trump decides to do, which could be anything because he is surrounding himself with people who say things like “It’s rational to fear Muslims.” And as any Star Wars fan (me) will tell you, Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, and Hate leads to Suffering. I’m not Muslim, Jewish, or any of those things, so no matter how bad a Trump Presidency is for me, I know that it will be worse for someone else. For people that I know and care about. And whatever Hillary Clinton’s flaws, we know that she won’t be like that, that at a bare minimum she’s not going to do any crazy, bigoted shit like that. So, I get it if that they don’t like her, that they may want to cast a protest vote or a write-in or whatever. But they’re making it easier for a Donald Trump presidency to be a reality. And the greatest burden of that isn’t going to fall on most of the people who are in the Never Hillary camp. It’ll fall on the minorities that they claim to care about. We have a responsibility to make sure that Hillary gets elected, if for no other reason than it’s her or Trump.

The best way to make sure that none of us ever have to say President Trump is to vote for Hillary Clinton, and not just to vote, but to volunteer, to donate your money or your time or your voice. Hell, it’s not like this is the only race around. You got your Senate campaigns, your Congressional ones, and your State campaigns. You can get out there and register people to vote (hell even if you only register five people who are going to vote Democrat, well, congrats, you’re about to quintuple the power of your vote). And volunteering for any one of the Democrats running, helping them out however you can, that is how you can fight to defeat Trumpism. Because he didn’t come from nowhere; he won the Republican primary. And we both know that that’s going to embolden more people to take the same positions, promise to do the same things that Trump did. And electing Democrats to the Senate, to the House, to your State legislature, will help stop that. Let’s not repeat 2014 or 2010 and give up legislatures across the country, and give the party of Trump the power he wants. All across the board, we could use your help. I’ve heard from my field director about how some campaigns will ask for five or six staffers-and they get funding for one person. I’ve come in to work on days where we only have a couple people in the office. So don’t say that it’s unnecessary, that we don’t need more people or that it won’t matter. Don’t say that it’s too hard, because it’s about calling people and talking to them, or just walking door to door and asking people who they want to vote for (and if you want, you can catch some Pokemon while you do).

But most of all, don’t say you don’t have time or that you’re too busy. Because I know that you have jobs, that you have lives. But it is less than 100 days until the election. And if you truly do not have four free hours between now and then, then you’re exempt. But I’m guessing most of you do have some free time. I bet most of you watch Netflix, or play Pokemon Go, or go to the bar or whatever you do for fun. And if you do, then listen up. Listen to Edmund Burke, who said that all that evil needs to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Listen to President Obama who said to vote, not to boo. And then ask yourself if you’ve done enough, if in two years you want to be regretting binge-watching Orange is the New Black instead of doing everything you can to defeat Donald Trump’s ideology. If the answer to that question is no, then get off your ass and volunteer, even for just two hours. Even if you can only sacrifice one day, then do it. Because this election is about what our country wants to be. I know you don’t want it to be Trumpistan. So prove it.